So I thought I'd give a brief update for all of you who feel like I've fallen off the face of the planet in the past several weeks. I didn't really fall off the face of the planet, just to reassure you. This summer I've been involved with a summer discipleship school through my church, City Central. My days have been filled with amazing teaching, worship, outreach, and time with this new family God has put together.
Some challenging parts:
*The multiple treasure hunts we've done: No matter how many times you do it, fear is still going to come when you decide to take a chance and speak to a complete stranger about God.
*Sozo camp: The weekend before camp started, we were told we were going to Youth for Christ's summer camp for their urban outreach program. My comfort zone was someplace 100 miles away that week. I often felt like I had nothing to offer, and the entire week was exhausting and challenging.
*Busy weeks: Not a lot of free time= coffee is my friend.
*Restoration: God's been asking me to trust Him in new areas, to let go of things I've been holding onto, and to take a stand against the enemy's attacks. It's been hard.
*Money: Trusting God with money is something I thought I had down before this summer. haha Now I get to trust Him to provide for a mission trip AND to provide for my daily needs. Suddenly I'm not as perfect at trusting Him as I thought I was.
The awesome parts:
*The multiple treasure hunts we've done: God always comes through on these. Taking such bold steps has a way of building your faith so much. And it's so good to see God reach others through simple acts of faith and obedience.
*Sozo camp: We saw gang members turn their lives around! We all got to form prayer teams and minister to each kid! We saw kids set free! It was incredible. And in the middle of it all, God decided to break me free from a lot of bondage, showing me that it's not about the forms and formulas, but it's about seeking the Person of Jesus Christ.
*Busy weeks: I'm doing so much this summer! I've had the opportunity to hear incredible speakers like Adam Narciso, Darrin Miller, Pete Mahoney, Mark Anderson, Danny Lehman, and Joel Sorge, among others. I've had family dinners with all the other students. I've gone to a Mariners game. I've had amazing times in prayer, feeling released in that area like I never have before. I've been able to spend time with four beautiful children whom I've had the pleasure of living with, along with their awesome mom and dad. I've played soccer, ultimate, and wiffle ball. It's been great.
*Restoration: God has brought me incredible amounts of freedom the past few weeks. He's dealt with shame, injustices, religion, and fear, to name a few areas. I've been able to dance, lead a song of prophetic worship, and pray in new amounts of authority and zeal, all things I simply wasn't able to do before the summer started. It's been so good.
*Money: One day I found $200 lying in my Bible, with "In God We Trust" circled several times, and 1 Peter 5:7 underlined: "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." On the 4th of July, late that night, I and a couple other people decided to throw a bake sale at church the next day. In less than 24 hours we pulled it together, and ended up raising $2,316. You don't raise that much money in bake sales! It was COMPLETELY God! He has pulled through so much lately, I'm so blessed.
So, on July 29th our team is leaving for Capetown, South Africa. We'll be teaming up with YWAM Perth for three weeks, helping in whatever areas of ministry we can. We'll probably end up playing soccer, performing skits, and doing other forms of street evangelism. While God has provided so much, our team still needs several thousand dollars. I'd love for each one of you to:
1.) Pray that God continues to provide for us, work out the details, and prepare us for whatever He wants us to do in South Africa.
2.) Pray about whether God would want you to donate to our team. If you feel led to do so, contact me via facebook or phone and I will let you know how to make a tax-deductible donation.
3.) Pray for us some more! I still need to raise $775 personally, and I also need to buy a few random items for outreach, and borrow/buy a hiking backpack or duffel bag (something I can easily carry all my stuff in for up to 2 miles every day). If you have any advice or if you have a bag I can borrow, I would love to know!
Thank you all so much for all your support. I love each one of you, and I can't wait to update you more on my life and all the exciting things God is doing!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Update on my uncle and aunt
Randy’s Update
May 24, 2009, Day 30
Hello,
Yesterday we received some good news. My platelet count had gone up all by itself. In other words, my body, for the first time since I’ve been here, has started to make platelets. PRAISE GOD. This is wonderful news. But today my platelet count went down. Very discouraging news. Yet the fact that it had gone up all by itself does show that my body is finally making red blood cells.
The other news has to deal with the neutrophils. These keep bouncing back and forth. One day I will have 4 or 5% neutrophils and the next it will be 0%. Today it was 7% which is good news in that my body is starting to make good white blood cells. And so far no bad white cells are showing up. PRAISE THE LORD.
Most people who have the treatment I have had go home by day 28. I’m on day 30. The doctor says that one of the reasons for this is because I have had so much chemo in the past (2000 & 2005 and now in 2009). The more chemo a person has the harder it is for the body to recover. So until my neutrophils and platelets go up to a level that is safe, I will not be going home any time soon.
The doctor is going to have a bone marrow biopsy done on Tuesday. Even though my counts are very low, he wants to see what is happening in my bone marrow. He will be looking for any signs of leukemia. If there is, they will have to start the chemo once again and start the day count all over (which means another month or more here).
Please pray for the following:
1. That my neutrophils will go up rapidly.
2. That my platelet count will go up and stay there.
3. That my bone marrow biopsy will show no leukemia and that my body is making good red & white blood cells.
4. For God’s grace and strength to get through each day.
5. To be used by God each day as a witness of His love.
Jesus has been with us each step of the way and we feel all your prayers. Please keep them coming. We also thank you for your responses to our e-mails as they help strength us too. Thank you also for the cards you have sent. These all mean a whole lot to us. It is very hard to spend so much time in the hospital. And after this I will have to spend another 4-6 weeks in the hospital in Denver (for the bone marrow transplant). So your prayers, responses, visits and cards help me deal with being cooped up for so long. THANK YOU!!!!!!!
Penny and I are praying for all of you too! We hope and pray that you all are well.
God bless,
Randy & Penny
May 24, 2009, Day 30
Hello,
Yesterday we received some good news. My platelet count had gone up all by itself. In other words, my body, for the first time since I’ve been here, has started to make platelets. PRAISE GOD. This is wonderful news. But today my platelet count went down. Very discouraging news. Yet the fact that it had gone up all by itself does show that my body is finally making red blood cells.
The other news has to deal with the neutrophils. These keep bouncing back and forth. One day I will have 4 or 5% neutrophils and the next it will be 0%. Today it was 7% which is good news in that my body is starting to make good white blood cells. And so far no bad white cells are showing up. PRAISE THE LORD.
Most people who have the treatment I have had go home by day 28. I’m on day 30. The doctor says that one of the reasons for this is because I have had so much chemo in the past (2000 & 2005 and now in 2009). The more chemo a person has the harder it is for the body to recover. So until my neutrophils and platelets go up to a level that is safe, I will not be going home any time soon.
The doctor is going to have a bone marrow biopsy done on Tuesday. Even though my counts are very low, he wants to see what is happening in my bone marrow. He will be looking for any signs of leukemia. If there is, they will have to start the chemo once again and start the day count all over (which means another month or more here).
Please pray for the following:
1. That my neutrophils will go up rapidly.
2. That my platelet count will go up and stay there.
3. That my bone marrow biopsy will show no leukemia and that my body is making good red & white blood cells.
4. For God’s grace and strength to get through each day.
5. To be used by God each day as a witness of His love.
Jesus has been with us each step of the way and we feel all your prayers. Please keep them coming. We also thank you for your responses to our e-mails as they help strength us too. Thank you also for the cards you have sent. These all mean a whole lot to us. It is very hard to spend so much time in the hospital. And after this I will have to spend another 4-6 weeks in the hospital in Denver (for the bone marrow transplant). So your prayers, responses, visits and cards help me deal with being cooped up for so long. THANK YOU!!!!!!!
Penny and I are praying for all of you too! We hope and pray that you all are well.
God bless,
Randy & Penny
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Summer Is . . . Kind of Here
Kind of because I've finished all my homework and tests, but I'm not technically done with school. Nevertheless, I am thrilled. The last week and a half has been quite the push, but it's basically over. Now, to move my life out of the dorms. I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave T-Stad campus life. How will I live without my three best friends living on the same floor, and my brother and boyfriend living a 2-minute walk away. :(
BUT, I will have a bathroom all to myself. And a comfortable bed! And real food! And I'll be starting Catalyst soon!
By the way, pray for my finances. I need to raise at least $3,000. I know, it's a lot. I know God will provide, but it's still scary.
Okay, I'm almost done with work for the day, so I should probably wrap it up. I have about 3 weeks before Catalyst starts, so besides coming back to PLU to work every so often, I won't have a ton of things to do. Glorious, huh? :)
BUT, I will have a bathroom all to myself. And a comfortable bed! And real food! And I'll be starting Catalyst soon!
By the way, pray for my finances. I need to raise at least $3,000. I know, it's a lot. I know God will provide, but it's still scary.
Okay, I'm almost done with work for the day, so I should probably wrap it up. I have about 3 weeks before Catalyst starts, so besides coming back to PLU to work every so often, I won't have a ton of things to do. Glorious, huh? :)
Monday, May 18, 2009
Update on my uncle
Hello,
Like I said in my last e-mail, most of my levels are starting to creep up very slowly, Praise the Lord. Yet today the doctor told me that the most important level, "neutrophils", is still at zero. I looked up the term "neutrophils" in a medical dictionary and here it is: Neutrophil: A type of white blood cell, specifically a form of granulocyte, filled with neutrally-staining granules, tiny sacs of enzymes that help the cell to kill and digest microorganisms it has engulfed by phagocytosis.
The doctor said this is the most important level that needs to come up. Once this level goes up all the other levels will start to go up too. The doctor said these levels should start to rise by this Thursday or Friday. If they don't, I'm in very serious trouble. I'm not sure what they can do if my body doesn't kick start these levels. I'm praying I don't need to find out.
Once these levels come up, I should be able to go home (after the bone marrow biopsy).
So please pray that these levels start to rise.
Thank you all for your responses to my e-mails, they brighten up my day!
God is good and He is with me always!
God Bless,
Randy
Like I said in my last e-mail, most of my levels are starting to creep up very slowly, Praise the Lord. Yet today the doctor told me that the most important level, "neutrophils", is still at zero. I looked up the term "neutrophils" in a medical dictionary and here it is: Neutrophil: A type of white blood cell, specifically a form of granulocyte, filled with neutrally-staining granules, tiny sacs of enzymes that help the cell to kill and digest microorganisms it has engulfed by phagocytosis.
The doctor said this is the most important level that needs to come up. Once this level goes up all the other levels will start to go up too. The doctor said these levels should start to rise by this Thursday or Friday. If they don't, I'm in very serious trouble. I'm not sure what they can do if my body doesn't kick start these levels. I'm praying I don't need to find out.
Once these levels come up, I should be able to go home (after the bone marrow biopsy).
So please pray that these levels start to rise.
Thank you all for your responses to my e-mails, they brighten up my day!
God is good and He is with me always!
God Bless,
Randy
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Latest update on my relatives
May 16, 2009
Hello everyone,
Its day 22 as a hospital patient. I’ve been blessed with a great room. I have a front row seat of the Front Range Mountains, including Pike’s Peak. It is beautiful. I have been watching the trees come to full bloom while I’ve been here. I wish I could be out there to see it in the flesh. Yet I know that for this season, I have to follow what the doctors say in order to survive my illness.
Last Monday I had a bone marrow biopsy. We have been waiting for the test results all week. The doctor finally gave us the results today. They have found 5% leukemia still in my system. The doctor said that it is very hard to determine if this is good news or bad news yet. He said that when my immune system kicks in, if I still have only 5% leukemia, I would be considered in remission, at least for the bone marrow transplant. Without the transplant, the leukemia would come back. After the next bone marrow biopsy, if the leukemia is more than 5%, they would have to start all over again with the chemo, which would mean another 30+ days in this hospital. They will do another bone marrow biopsy once my levels start to rise. This will show a much better picture of where I am at. This last bone marrow biopsy was done at day 14 after chemo ended and my local doctors don’t put much faith in the results, because there is so little tissue to test. Yet the transplant doctor in Denver wanted the day 14 test in order to start planning the transplant. PLEASE PRAY THAT MY NEXT BIOPSY WILL SHOW I’M IN REMISSION, so I can go onto the transplant.
My white blood count is at .5. Normal is 3.0-9.1. My level is at the critical stage. This is normal for the treatment I’ve received for this time frame. The doctor says that within the next 7-10 days, these levels should start to come up. If they don’t, that would be very critical. PLEASE PRAY THAT MY WHTIE BLOOD COUNTS START TO RISE TO NORMAL LEVELS.
My red blood cell count is still low. I have been having a number of blood transfusions during the last couple of weeks. As of yesterday it was at 3.38. Normal is 4.40-6.00. The problem has been it will be up one day and then go down the next. PLEASE PRAY THAT THESE LEVELS GO UP AN STAY UP.
My platelet count today is 17. Normal is 130-380. Anything under 20 means I need platelet transfusions. This level keeps going up after a transfusion, and then it will drop fast to the 6-14 range within 24-48 hours, which is a very dangerous level. Platelets are what clots your blood. PLEASE PRAY THAT THESE LEVELS GO UP AND STAY THERE.
I have been having a lot of fevers. In fact the last couple of days, I’ve changed my clothes seven times! I also get hot flashes, chills and sweats. The doctors cannot figure out why I’m having these fevers. They have called in an Infectious Disease Doctor. He took a lot of blood tests, some that will take weeks to come back. So far he can’t figure out why I’m having these fevers. He said that they only figure out what the cause is about 33% of the time. I have not had any fevers for the last 24 hours. PLEASE PRAY THAT THESE FEVERS STAY AWAY.
I have been feeling almost normal much of the time for the last two weeks. Some days I’m weak and some days I don’t feel well at all. Yet most of the time my biggest problem is cabin fever. It’s hard seeing God’s beauty but from a distant. Yet I’m very grateful for being in a great hospital and having such wonderful doctors, nurses and CNAs. One of the nurses even lent me his DVD player after mine wouldn’t work. A CNA gave me a Christian CD to play. And sometimes the nurses and CNAs will stop by just to talk. I feel blessed by the kindness of these people.
Penny has been a wonderful wife and comp ion. She is here every morning and then after work. She also here all weekend. I know it’s hard on her as she gets very tired. I’m very blessed to have such a wonderful wife.
I love my plaque I keep in my hospital room that says “For I know the plans I have for you.” Declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
God bless,
Randy & Penny
Hello everyone,
Its day 22 as a hospital patient. I’ve been blessed with a great room. I have a front row seat of the Front Range Mountains, including Pike’s Peak. It is beautiful. I have been watching the trees come to full bloom while I’ve been here. I wish I could be out there to see it in the flesh. Yet I know that for this season, I have to follow what the doctors say in order to survive my illness.
Last Monday I had a bone marrow biopsy. We have been waiting for the test results all week. The doctor finally gave us the results today. They have found 5% leukemia still in my system. The doctor said that it is very hard to determine if this is good news or bad news yet. He said that when my immune system kicks in, if I still have only 5% leukemia, I would be considered in remission, at least for the bone marrow transplant. Without the transplant, the leukemia would come back. After the next bone marrow biopsy, if the leukemia is more than 5%, they would have to start all over again with the chemo, which would mean another 30+ days in this hospital. They will do another bone marrow biopsy once my levels start to rise. This will show a much better picture of where I am at. This last bone marrow biopsy was done at day 14 after chemo ended and my local doctors don’t put much faith in the results, because there is so little tissue to test. Yet the transplant doctor in Denver wanted the day 14 test in order to start planning the transplant. PLEASE PRAY THAT MY NEXT BIOPSY WILL SHOW I’M IN REMISSION, so I can go onto the transplant.
My white blood count is at .5. Normal is 3.0-9.1. My level is at the critical stage. This is normal for the treatment I’ve received for this time frame. The doctor says that within the next 7-10 days, these levels should start to come up. If they don’t, that would be very critical. PLEASE PRAY THAT MY WHTIE BLOOD COUNTS START TO RISE TO NORMAL LEVELS.
My red blood cell count is still low. I have been having a number of blood transfusions during the last couple of weeks. As of yesterday it was at 3.38. Normal is 4.40-6.00. The problem has been it will be up one day and then go down the next. PLEASE PRAY THAT THESE LEVELS GO UP AN STAY UP.
My platelet count today is 17. Normal is 130-380. Anything under 20 means I need platelet transfusions. This level keeps going up after a transfusion, and then it will drop fast to the 6-14 range within 24-48 hours, which is a very dangerous level. Platelets are what clots your blood. PLEASE PRAY THAT THESE LEVELS GO UP AND STAY THERE.
I have been having a lot of fevers. In fact the last couple of days, I’ve changed my clothes seven times! I also get hot flashes, chills and sweats. The doctors cannot figure out why I’m having these fevers. They have called in an Infectious Disease Doctor. He took a lot of blood tests, some that will take weeks to come back. So far he can’t figure out why I’m having these fevers. He said that they only figure out what the cause is about 33% of the time. I have not had any fevers for the last 24 hours. PLEASE PRAY THAT THESE FEVERS STAY AWAY.
I have been feeling almost normal much of the time for the last two weeks. Some days I’m weak and some days I don’t feel well at all. Yet most of the time my biggest problem is cabin fever. It’s hard seeing God’s beauty but from a distant. Yet I’m very grateful for being in a great hospital and having such wonderful doctors, nurses and CNAs. One of the nurses even lent me his DVD player after mine wouldn’t work. A CNA gave me a Christian CD to play. And sometimes the nurses and CNAs will stop by just to talk. I feel blessed by the kindness of these people.
Penny has been a wonderful wife and comp ion. She is here every morning and then after work. She also here all weekend. I know it’s hard on her as she gets very tired. I’m very blessed to have such a wonderful wife.
I love my plaque I keep in my hospital room that says “For I know the plans I have for you.” Declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
God bless,
Randy & Penny
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Update on my relatives
Here's the latest from my uncle and aunt:
May 9, 2009
Hello everyone. Its day 15th at the hospital. The last several days have gone very well. Most of the time I’m feeling very good. Now is a waiting game. They are pumping my body with a lot of anti-bodies, anti-fungus medication, blood transplants and platelets, etc. My immune system is almost 0 and very slowly building back up.
My platelets have been very low. I’ve been running between 6-17 (normal is 100). Last Sunday I had a terrible bloody nose that they couldn’t stop. I thought that I might die if they couldn’t get my bloody nose under control. Praise the Lord, they finally gave me some platelets and the bleeding stopped. The other day my platelets went up to 34, but the next day it went to 17, and then today back to 7. Please pray that my body will start to make its own platelets.
I still have at least two more weeks in this hospital. Could be more if they have to give me more chemo. This coming Monday they will do a bone marrow biopsy. This will tell some very important information and will map my future treatment.
I don’t know yet when the transplant will happen. It will be soon as I can’t afford to fall back into cancer again.
I did find a lump. The doctor does not think it is cancerous, but they are going to take an ultrasound tomorrow just to make sure.
Boredom is the hardest part of being here. I have a lot to read, listen to and watch, so that helps a lot. Yet I can only take short walks on this floor.
I have a prayer request. We met a man in a room down from mine. He has lung cancer. They took one of his lungs out last year, but the cancer has returned. They have given him no chance to survive. He has a wonderful wife and two beautiful girls, both pre-teens. The man’s name is Tim. He has a fighting spirit. Please pray for healing for him.
Thank you for all your prayers, cards, visits and phone calls. They mean a lot and help pass the time.
God is a wonderful God and Penny and I feel his presents all the time. Penny and I have been able to spread God’s love to many people, both the staff and other inmates.
I can’t remember if I told you about this, but the weekend I was admitted to the hospital, our daughter, April and her boyfriend went on a fishing trip in the backcountry of Northwest Colorado. To make a very long story short, they drove down the wrong road, got stuck, were not able to get a cell phone signal, and had to spend the night in their truck (which was a very cold night). The next day they knew they had to walk out as no one knew where they were (they were supposed to be in another area. They were out of food and water, so they started to walk. They were very cold and frostbite was starting to affect their feet. They hit a snowstorm. They final saw a Forest Service cabin up on a mountain, so they started to climb toward it. The climb was very steep, so they kept falling and hurting themselves. Many times they wanted to lie down and sleep (and die), yet they keep each other moving. They finally made the cabin and broke in where they found a little food and some heat. They were able to get a cell phone call out, yet the phone almost immediately died. In the mean time search and rescue were searching for them. From their short cell phone call they were able to pin point the area they were at. They finally found them just before dark the second day. Their body temperature had gone down to 94 degrees. Praise God they found them. April did have frostbite on her toes, yet otherwise she is in good shape. Shawn is also OK. Jesus was with them the whole time. We praise the Lord that He was watching out for them!!!
To all the mothers, have a wonderful and blessed MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!!
God bless,
Love, Randy & Penny
May 9, 2009
Hello everyone. Its day 15th at the hospital. The last several days have gone very well. Most of the time I’m feeling very good. Now is a waiting game. They are pumping my body with a lot of anti-bodies, anti-fungus medication, blood transplants and platelets, etc. My immune system is almost 0 and very slowly building back up.
My platelets have been very low. I’ve been running between 6-17 (normal is 100). Last Sunday I had a terrible bloody nose that they couldn’t stop. I thought that I might die if they couldn’t get my bloody nose under control. Praise the Lord, they finally gave me some platelets and the bleeding stopped. The other day my platelets went up to 34, but the next day it went to 17, and then today back to 7. Please pray that my body will start to make its own platelets.
I still have at least two more weeks in this hospital. Could be more if they have to give me more chemo. This coming Monday they will do a bone marrow biopsy. This will tell some very important information and will map my future treatment.
I don’t know yet when the transplant will happen. It will be soon as I can’t afford to fall back into cancer again.
I did find a lump. The doctor does not think it is cancerous, but they are going to take an ultrasound tomorrow just to make sure.
Boredom is the hardest part of being here. I have a lot to read, listen to and watch, so that helps a lot. Yet I can only take short walks on this floor.
I have a prayer request. We met a man in a room down from mine. He has lung cancer. They took one of his lungs out last year, but the cancer has returned. They have given him no chance to survive. He has a wonderful wife and two beautiful girls, both pre-teens. The man’s name is Tim. He has a fighting spirit. Please pray for healing for him.
Thank you for all your prayers, cards, visits and phone calls. They mean a lot and help pass the time.
God is a wonderful God and Penny and I feel his presents all the time. Penny and I have been able to spread God’s love to many people, both the staff and other inmates.
I can’t remember if I told you about this, but the weekend I was admitted to the hospital, our daughter, April and her boyfriend went on a fishing trip in the backcountry of Northwest Colorado. To make a very long story short, they drove down the wrong road, got stuck, were not able to get a cell phone signal, and had to spend the night in their truck (which was a very cold night). The next day they knew they had to walk out as no one knew where they were (they were supposed to be in another area. They were out of food and water, so they started to walk. They were very cold and frostbite was starting to affect their feet. They hit a snowstorm. They final saw a Forest Service cabin up on a mountain, so they started to climb toward it. The climb was very steep, so they kept falling and hurting themselves. Many times they wanted to lie down and sleep (and die), yet they keep each other moving. They finally made the cabin and broke in where they found a little food and some heat. They were able to get a cell phone call out, yet the phone almost immediately died. In the mean time search and rescue were searching for them. From their short cell phone call they were able to pin point the area they were at. They finally found them just before dark the second day. Their body temperature had gone down to 94 degrees. Praise God they found them. April did have frostbite on her toes, yet otherwise she is in good shape. Shawn is also OK. Jesus was with them the whole time. We praise the Lord that He was watching out for them!!!
To all the mothers, have a wonderful and blessed MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!!
God bless,
Love, Randy & Penny
Friday, May 8, 2009
Moments of Grace in Lousy Days
So the past few days haven't been exactly wonderful. They've been filled with frustration, pain, and just plain mistakes. But there were definitely some good times, and I want to concentrate on those:
* I've been listening to Jars of Clay's new album all week. It's been way too long since they came out with an all-new album. =)
* God blessed me during Early Morning Prayer last Tuesday. It was a great way to start my day.
* I finally got my support letters out for Catalyst. It's great to have that done.
* I got to hang out with and talk to Hannah Wilson quite a bit. That always makes for a good week.
* God helped me to get through a really hard day yesterday with a lot more joy than I expected. I did stumble, but I was surprised at how I was able to direct my heart to praising God when I was most frustrated.
And, finally, probably the highlight of my week: So I finally get back to my room yesterday evening, after having a tough day. I get there and there's a brand new journal sitting on my desk, with the cover being a beautiful picture that Jason took of cherry blossoms. The inside cover had a passage from Isaiah printed on it. Jason had left it for me at my dorm as a gift for our 6-month anniversary (no, we're not the kind of couple to celebrate every month anniversary... in fact the last time he gave me something for an "anniversary" was a single white rose on our 1-week). On the first two pages of the journal he had written a letter to me.
Yes, I don't deserve a guy like Jason- but that's because I can't deserve him. He (and this relationship) has been a gift of God's grace to me, something I can't earn. And, on days when I feel like giving up and lashing out at everyone, I'm blessed with moments like this. :)
* I've been listening to Jars of Clay's new album all week. It's been way too long since they came out with an all-new album. =)
* God blessed me during Early Morning Prayer last Tuesday. It was a great way to start my day.
* I finally got my support letters out for Catalyst. It's great to have that done.
* I got to hang out with and talk to Hannah Wilson quite a bit. That always makes for a good week.
* God helped me to get through a really hard day yesterday with a lot more joy than I expected. I did stumble, but I was surprised at how I was able to direct my heart to praising God when I was most frustrated.
And, finally, probably the highlight of my week: So I finally get back to my room yesterday evening, after having a tough day. I get there and there's a brand new journal sitting on my desk, with the cover being a beautiful picture that Jason took of cherry blossoms. The inside cover had a passage from Isaiah printed on it. Jason had left it for me at my dorm as a gift for our 6-month anniversary (no, we're not the kind of couple to celebrate every month anniversary... in fact the last time he gave me something for an "anniversary" was a single white rose on our 1-week). On the first two pages of the journal he had written a letter to me.
Yes, I don't deserve a guy like Jason- but that's because I can't deserve him. He (and this relationship) has been a gift of God's grace to me, something I can't earn. And, on days when I feel like giving up and lashing out at everyone, I'm blessed with moments like this. :)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Compassion: To Suffer With
Is it worth it?
My soul wounded,
Heart broken,
Torn by the sound
Of child's silent cry?
Yes. This is why:
The enemy's crushed
Under your foot,
Victory's won,
The hard part is done.
So, does it matter?
Yes. This is why:
Because Christ desires
To not be alone,
He asks His beloved
Come share in His pain.
Do I have enough strength
To do this for You?
To bear up this cross,
To feel all this pain?
Yes. This is why:
I cannot rely
Upon my own strength.
So capture my heart,
Let me feel what You feel.
I give you my life,
It's all yours, O Lord.
My soul wounded,
Heart broken,
Torn by the sound
Of child's silent cry?
Yes. This is why:
The enemy's crushed
Under your foot,
Victory's won,
The hard part is done.
So, does it matter?
Yes. This is why:
Because Christ desires
To not be alone,
He asks His beloved
Come share in His pain.
Do I have enough strength
To do this for You?
To bear up this cross,
To feel all this pain?
Yes. This is why:
I cannot rely
Upon my own strength.
So capture my heart,
Let me feel what You feel.
I give you my life,
It's all yours, O Lord.
Because my brain is contesting work
I really don't like calling people. I have to be honest, I used to be phonophobic, and a part of that still lives in me. I know, it's just a phone. But somehow it's the scariest thing on the planet when I need to call someone whom I haven't talked to in a long time. Sometimes I think that we should go back to the days when letters were the only way of communication, aside from face-to-face. Why am I ranting about this? Well, I'm doing a summer training school through City Central called Catalyst. I know it's what God wants me to do, and I know He'll provide for me. But it's a scary leap of faith, because I need to raise over $3,000 for the school and for our trip to South Africa. I wrote support letters, but I took Adam's advice to say that I would contact each individual within 7 days. That means I'm going to have to call some people. Can contact mean e-mail? I mean, people should take into consideration my condition as a phonophobic. Just pray for me, I'm too afraid to call you!
All that being said, I'm looking forward to summer. It's going to be good. :)
All that being said, I'm looking forward to summer. It's going to be good. :)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Update on my uncle and aunt
Here is the latest e-mail I got from my uncle:
Randy MacInnes
May 2, 2009
A week ago I found out that I have leukemia. This came so sudden, even the doctors were shocked. The doctors had been taking frequent blood tests and bone marrow biopsies. This should have given us enough warning to prevent leukemia and have the bone marrow transplant I needed to save my life. We lost the battle. What this means is my treatment is going to be much longer, much harsher, and much more dangerous. Yet JESUS is with us EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. We may not understand why this is happening, but we know that Jesus loves us and wants the best for us.
I brought a plaque to the hospital that has the scriptures: “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you…” I keep reading this plaque, especially during the hard times.
The last seven days have been extremely hard. They are giving me chemo to kill off all my immune system. Today should be the last of the chemo. Then for the next 3-4 weeks, while still in the hospital, they will be watching me for infections and reactions. I am already going stir crazy, and I have months more of hospital stays to look forward to’
One of the biggest dangers of the chemo they are giving me is that I have had too much of it for a life time. A person is only supposed to get 400 units in a life time. Any more than that could cause heart failure. And if I have heart failure, I CAN NOT have the bone marrow transplant. I would then die of the cancer, in a very short time. So please pray that my heart stays strong and healthy. They did a heart test before the chemo and my heart looked very strong, praise God.
Please keep me in your prayers. This treatment has been extremely harsh and very hard to deal with at times. The other night Penny told me that I was doing crazy things. She was so worried that she stayed the whole night and didn’t go to work the next day. Penny has been a wonderful wife, a pure delight to have around and she has sacrificed so much to help me. God gave me the best 33 years ago.
I better go as Penny is staying the night again and she needs her sleep.
Sorry for not emailing before now. I’ve been so sick I couldn’t do hardly anything, plus or laptop was in for repairs. It finally came back today in worse shape than before. We are not happy with Best Buy.
God bless, and thank you for the cards, calls and visits. They help a lot.
Randy & Penny MacInnes
Randy MacInnes
May 2, 2009
A week ago I found out that I have leukemia. This came so sudden, even the doctors were shocked. The doctors had been taking frequent blood tests and bone marrow biopsies. This should have given us enough warning to prevent leukemia and have the bone marrow transplant I needed to save my life. We lost the battle. What this means is my treatment is going to be much longer, much harsher, and much more dangerous. Yet JESUS is with us EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. We may not understand why this is happening, but we know that Jesus loves us and wants the best for us.
I brought a plaque to the hospital that has the scriptures: “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you…” I keep reading this plaque, especially during the hard times.
The last seven days have been extremely hard. They are giving me chemo to kill off all my immune system. Today should be the last of the chemo. Then for the next 3-4 weeks, while still in the hospital, they will be watching me for infections and reactions. I am already going stir crazy, and I have months more of hospital stays to look forward to’
One of the biggest dangers of the chemo they are giving me is that I have had too much of it for a life time. A person is only supposed to get 400 units in a life time. Any more than that could cause heart failure. And if I have heart failure, I CAN NOT have the bone marrow transplant. I would then die of the cancer, in a very short time. So please pray that my heart stays strong and healthy. They did a heart test before the chemo and my heart looked very strong, praise God.
Please keep me in your prayers. This treatment has been extremely harsh and very hard to deal with at times. The other night Penny told me that I was doing crazy things. She was so worried that she stayed the whole night and didn’t go to work the next day. Penny has been a wonderful wife, a pure delight to have around and she has sacrificed so much to help me. God gave me the best 33 years ago.
I better go as Penny is staying the night again and she needs her sleep.
Sorry for not emailing before now. I’ve been so sick I couldn’t do hardly anything, plus or laptop was in for repairs. It finally came back today in worse shape than before. We are not happy with Best Buy.
God bless, and thank you for the cards, calls and visits. They help a lot.
Randy & Penny MacInnes
Friday, April 24, 2009
Emergency Prayer Request
Hi, everyone. If you haven't read my Facebook notes or my Myspace blog over the past couple of years or so, my Uncle Randy and Aunt Penny in Colorado have gone through some major, serious battles recently. My uncle was supposed to get a bone marrow transplant, but there were complications with politics and hospitals, but they had finally agreed to let him get it. Now, however, before the procedure has been even scheduled, he got some bad news. I just got this e-mail from them today, so I'm copying and pasting it in order that you may all pray for them.
For the last couple of weeks I (Randy) have been very sick. I have also been very weak and my oxygen level has been extremely low (in the 70’s and 80’s). Today (Thursday) I had two doctor’s appointments. The first one was with my primary doctor for a physical. When I saw her, she was very concerned about my low oxygen level. She ordered a CT scan ASAP. She was very worried that something was going very wrong and she wanted to try to find out what it was.
Then later today I had an appointment with my transplant doctor in Denver. During the exam he was also very worried about my oxygen level, along with other symptoms I was having. So he ordered some addition blood test. We then left the office to drive back to Colorado Springs. By the time we got home, there was a call from our transplant doctor telling us to call my cancer doctor right away, and if he wasn’t in, to page him.
My cancer doctor told me that my blood work came back with drastic reductions in my platelets, among with other areas. He told me that they think I have developed leukemia and I need to have another bone marrow biopsy done right away. He is making the arrangements now and wants me in the hospital tomorrow. He then said that I will need to have chemotherapy and then the bone marrow transplant ASAP.
This was a total shock to us. We knew that we were walking a tight rope and could at any time fall off of it, yet we didn’t expect it to happen so fast.
So please keep us in prayer. God is very good and I know He is with us every step of the way.
Love,
Randy & Penny
For the last couple of weeks I (Randy) have been very sick. I have also been very weak and my oxygen level has been extremely low (in the 70’s and 80’s). Today (Thursday) I had two doctor’s appointments. The first one was with my primary doctor for a physical. When I saw her, she was very concerned about my low oxygen level. She ordered a CT scan ASAP. She was very worried that something was going very wrong and she wanted to try to find out what it was.
Then later today I had an appointment with my transplant doctor in Denver. During the exam he was also very worried about my oxygen level, along with other symptoms I was having. So he ordered some addition blood test. We then left the office to drive back to Colorado Springs. By the time we got home, there was a call from our transplant doctor telling us to call my cancer doctor right away, and if he wasn’t in, to page him.
My cancer doctor told me that my blood work came back with drastic reductions in my platelets, among with other areas. He told me that they think I have developed leukemia and I need to have another bone marrow biopsy done right away. He is making the arrangements now and wants me in the hospital tomorrow. He then said that I will need to have chemotherapy and then the bone marrow transplant ASAP.
This was a total shock to us. We knew that we were walking a tight rope and could at any time fall off of it, yet we didn’t expect it to happen so fast.
So please keep us in prayer. God is very good and I know He is with us every step of the way.
Love,
Randy & Penny
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
News!
I'm going to London! It's official, I was accepted to the ILACA study away program for London, spring 2010. More details to come.
Also, I'm doing the Catalyst summer training school through my church. (here's the link if you're really that interested in what I'm doing, if you're not then just keep reading my blog: http://citycentral.org/catalyst/) It's a full-time school where I'll be learning about God, freedom, and outreach while doing a lot of stuff and spending a lot of time in a prayer room. We're going on a mission trip to South Africa for the last couple of weeks! I never thought I'd go to Africa . . .
Well, with all of this going on, I'm going to need to raise money. I most likely won't be able to get a job this summer due to how intensive the school is, so I'll be doing fundraising for Catalyst and then work (a lot!) for London this fall. Pray for me that God will supply all I need, as I know He will. Pray that God will continue to help me trust Him in all of these adventures, scary as they are. The mountains are exciting and great, but also very frightening!
Also, I'm doing the Catalyst summer training school through my church. (here's the link if you're really that interested in what I'm doing, if you're not then just keep reading my blog: http://citycentral.org/catalyst/) It's a full-time school where I'll be learning about God, freedom, and outreach while doing a lot of stuff and spending a lot of time in a prayer room. We're going on a mission trip to South Africa for the last couple of weeks! I never thought I'd go to Africa . . .
Well, with all of this going on, I'm going to need to raise money. I most likely won't be able to get a job this summer due to how intensive the school is, so I'll be doing fundraising for Catalyst and then work (a lot!) for London this fall. Pray for me that God will supply all I need, as I know He will. Pray that God will continue to help me trust Him in all of these adventures, scary as they are. The mountains are exciting and great, but also very frightening!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Losing Control
Psalm 13
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Do you ever have a week which feels like a week before noon on Tuesday? It's been one of those weeks. I feel like a lot is being thrown at me all at once, a lot has been going on around me, and I'm struggling with not adding the stress of what's being thrown at a lot of people I love.
Yet, God is good. He's shown me ridiculous grace with an extra week for a major project. He gifted me with a sunrise from the tallest building in Parkland this morning. He's given me fantastic friends. He provided a way for me go to a university where my professors care about me. I'm not in control, and that's a good thing, no matter how I feel.
Out of My Hands- The Turning
All my restless heart could do is cry
I stepped on out into the night
The tides turned again and nothing felt right
I searched for truth I sought your light
and all my restless heart could do is cry
Chorus:
Everything I held is out of my hands
Everything you bless is not what I’d planned
Not what I’d seen, not what I’d dreamed
My hearts hope will rise and fall with the wind
A gentle breeze will blow me over again
I’m walking unstable
And all the things I held
Were dragging my heart so far down
And the things I’d dreamed were nothing, Nothing as they’d seemed
And then I question you
And doubt you as the God I know
But all over again, you saved me from myself
It’s out of my soul, it’s out of my soul
You saved me from myself, You saved me from myself
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Do you ever have a week which feels like a week before noon on Tuesday? It's been one of those weeks. I feel like a lot is being thrown at me all at once, a lot has been going on around me, and I'm struggling with not adding the stress of what's being thrown at a lot of people I love.
Yet, God is good. He's shown me ridiculous grace with an extra week for a major project. He gifted me with a sunrise from the tallest building in Parkland this morning. He's given me fantastic friends. He provided a way for me go to a university where my professors care about me. I'm not in control, and that's a good thing, no matter how I feel.
Out of My Hands- The Turning
All my restless heart could do is cry
I stepped on out into the night
The tides turned again and nothing felt right
I searched for truth I sought your light
and all my restless heart could do is cry
Chorus:
Everything I held is out of my hands
Everything you bless is not what I’d planned
Not what I’d seen, not what I’d dreamed
My hearts hope will rise and fall with the wind
A gentle breeze will blow me over again
I’m walking unstable
And all the things I held
Were dragging my heart so far down
And the things I’d dreamed were nothing, Nothing as they’d seemed
And then I question you
And doubt you as the God I know
But all over again, you saved me from myself
It’s out of my soul, it’s out of my soul
You saved me from myself, You saved me from myself
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Cake, Mickey Mouse, and a Baby Parrot
I feel like I haven't posted a blog in a long time, so I'll write a little before I actually go to what I'm technically being paid to do right now- work.
California was an amazing week, I am so thankful that I got the chance to go for spring break. I have to admit, it wasn't easy. God pointed out to both me and Jason that we have a very strong religious spirit that needs to come out; that is, we are oftentimes stuck with the attitude that we can earn God's grace, and we do a pretty good job of that (we can't do anything to earn God's grace, just to make it clear). It was a challenging week, with a lot of prayer and a lot of frustration. Here's a list of highlights:
*We had amazing homemade layered carrot cake/cheesecake made by Jason's mom's friend. It was glorious.
*Jason's mom made us Easter baskets! We woke up Sunday morning to a pink-themed Easter basket outside my door and a blue-themed Easter basket outside Jason's door. There's a picture on Jason's facebook of us looking super excited with them (sometime when I'm on his computer maybe I'll actually upload pictures on this blog).
*Jason's parents took us to Disneyland! It was my first time, of course, so it was especially fun for me. I think out of all of us, though, Jason's mom seemed to be the most thrilled. She had a huge smile on her face, up until she went with me on Space Mountain that night and got sick. Other than that, the day was wonderful.
*Jason, Jim, and I spent many hours playing Crystal Chronicles, an old Gamecube multi-player semi-rpg. I probably described that terribly. It was a very, very entertaining game, but we need to finish it still. Yes, I spent hours being entertained by a video game. I have a gamer inside of me, she just feels guilty coming out and so most of the time is squelched.
*Jason, Jim, and I went to an In-N-Out. It was my first time. Very, very good.
*Jason, Jim and I (see a trend here?) went to the Getty, a huge, beautiful museum where I got to see very old illuminated manuscripts which I could actually translate part of. I also saw one of the 8 portraits of Edgar Allan Poe in existence. 'Twas fun.
*Jason, Jim, and I went bowling. None of us scored about 100. We then went to Borders and spent almost an hour debating what's considered a "trash" book and drooling over books that we want to read.
*Jason, Jim, and I went to Big Bear to snowboard. Long story involving pain and hatred. I will not go into it here.
*Jason and I visited his friend Allie and her baby Australian parrot. The bird loved Jason. He looked like a pirate (Jason, not the bird). We also played Trivial Pursuit. I think I was winning when we had to leave.
*Jason's mom, Jason, Jim, and I went mini golfing. I'm not so good at mini golfing. I do think I got the slightest bit of a tan from it, though. We all went to the arcade afterward and earned enough tickets for a big die and a green and orange ring made out of like rope. After shooting the ring at each other and realizing that it didn't fit any of Jim's or Jason's fingers, Jason gave me the ring. I'm wearing it now. :)
Okay, so that's probably enough highlights. It was a good trip, and I'm looking forward to going back. I never got a real Becca massage (she does this for a living), and we need to finish Crystal Chronicles, and I need to go to Knotts Berry Farm and the San Diego Zoo. Another trip is necessary.
California was an amazing week, I am so thankful that I got the chance to go for spring break. I have to admit, it wasn't easy. God pointed out to both me and Jason that we have a very strong religious spirit that needs to come out; that is, we are oftentimes stuck with the attitude that we can earn God's grace, and we do a pretty good job of that (we can't do anything to earn God's grace, just to make it clear). It was a challenging week, with a lot of prayer and a lot of frustration. Here's a list of highlights:
*We had amazing homemade layered carrot cake/cheesecake made by Jason's mom's friend. It was glorious.
*Jason's mom made us Easter baskets! We woke up Sunday morning to a pink-themed Easter basket outside my door and a blue-themed Easter basket outside Jason's door. There's a picture on Jason's facebook of us looking super excited with them (sometime when I'm on his computer maybe I'll actually upload pictures on this blog).
*Jason's parents took us to Disneyland! It was my first time, of course, so it was especially fun for me. I think out of all of us, though, Jason's mom seemed to be the most thrilled. She had a huge smile on her face, up until she went with me on Space Mountain that night and got sick. Other than that, the day was wonderful.
*Jason, Jim, and I spent many hours playing Crystal Chronicles, an old Gamecube multi-player semi-rpg. I probably described that terribly. It was a very, very entertaining game, but we need to finish it still. Yes, I spent hours being entertained by a video game. I have a gamer inside of me, she just feels guilty coming out and so most of the time is squelched.
*Jason, Jim, and I went to an In-N-Out. It was my first time. Very, very good.
*Jason, Jim and I (see a trend here?) went to the Getty, a huge, beautiful museum where I got to see very old illuminated manuscripts which I could actually translate part of. I also saw one of the 8 portraits of Edgar Allan Poe in existence. 'Twas fun.
*Jason, Jim, and I went bowling. None of us scored about 100. We then went to Borders and spent almost an hour debating what's considered a "trash" book and drooling over books that we want to read.
*Jason, Jim, and I went to Big Bear to snowboard. Long story involving pain and hatred. I will not go into it here.
*Jason and I visited his friend Allie and her baby Australian parrot. The bird loved Jason. He looked like a pirate (Jason, not the bird). We also played Trivial Pursuit. I think I was winning when we had to leave.
*Jason's mom, Jason, Jim, and I went mini golfing. I'm not so good at mini golfing. I do think I got the slightest bit of a tan from it, though. We all went to the arcade afterward and earned enough tickets for a big die and a green and orange ring made out of like rope. After shooting the ring at each other and realizing that it didn't fit any of Jim's or Jason's fingers, Jason gave me the ring. I'm wearing it now. :)
Okay, so that's probably enough highlights. It was a good trip, and I'm looking forward to going back. I never got a real Becca massage (she does this for a living), and we need to finish Crystal Chronicles, and I need to go to Knotts Berry Farm and the San Diego Zoo. Another trip is necessary.
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Bridegroom
As a young man marries a maiden,
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
~Isaiah 62:5
It astounds me that the Maker of the Universe is in love with me. He doesn't just love me, He likes me. He's head-over-heels for me. When I read this verse I imagine the face of the men I've seen get married. There are a million people in front of him, but all he can focus on is the beautiful bride in front of him. He's enthralled. And that's the way God looks at me. :)
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
~Isaiah 62:5
It astounds me that the Maker of the Universe is in love with me. He doesn't just love me, He likes me. He's head-over-heels for me. When I read this verse I imagine the face of the men I've seen get married. There are a million people in front of him, but all he can focus on is the beautiful bride in front of him. He's enthralled. And that's the way God looks at me. :)
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Greetings from Cold CA
I just realized that I haven't written a blog in a long time. I thought I should do a quick update.
Right now I am sitting at Jason's family's home in Cerritos, CA. We are both staying here until next Sunday. It's my first time in California, ever. I know, right? I've never even been to northern CA. I was a little freaked out because I'm not a huge fan of hot weather, but upon stepping onto Cali ground, I realized that I was cold. It was cold! I ended up wearing Jason's jacket while waiting for baggage. So much for that-what's the word-oh, sun.
This past week was very busy and stressful, but I didn't realize it until Friday night when I sat down for worship with a group of people. I was going so fast and hard that I didn't realize that I was exhausted. But God got me through. The prescription for now, I think, is to rest in God and keep in that state (easier said than done). I'm still working on it, but God is helping me. It's nice to actually stop and breathe and remember these things.
Right now I am sitting at Jason's family's home in Cerritos, CA. We are both staying here until next Sunday. It's my first time in California, ever. I know, right? I've never even been to northern CA. I was a little freaked out because I'm not a huge fan of hot weather, but upon stepping onto Cali ground, I realized that I was cold. It was cold! I ended up wearing Jason's jacket while waiting for baggage. So much for that-what's the word-oh, sun.
This past week was very busy and stressful, but I didn't realize it until Friday night when I sat down for worship with a group of people. I was going so fast and hard that I didn't realize that I was exhausted. But God got me through. The prescription for now, I think, is to rest in God and keep in that state (easier said than done). I'm still working on it, but God is helping me. It's nice to actually stop and breathe and remember these things.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Iron and Writing
So, I do not have thyroid problems like I thought. I do, however, have anemia. It's not a big deal, I just need to start taking vitamins with added iron. I am very thankful that I do not have to start taking medication. I do find it ironic, however, that after spending a while explaining to the nurse that there is absolutely no chance I could be pregnant, I ended up getting pre-natal vitamins (they're better for girls and have lots of iron).
On another note, I need to think of a story to write for my autobiographical writing class. I'm not sure I want to go for a depressing story, I kind of want to think of something light-hearted. I'm kind of tired of heavy and/or controversial subjects in my classes. Anybody have any good ideas?
On another note, I need to think of a story to write for my autobiographical writing class. I'm not sure I want to go for a depressing story, I kind of want to think of something light-hearted. I'm kind of tired of heavy and/or controversial subjects in my classes. Anybody have any good ideas?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Coffee, Naps, and Hospitals
So I don't really feel like thinking hard enough to finish the Latin quiz I'm writing. What do I do instead? Write a blog!
I'm tired. As usual. I got around 7 hours of sleep last night. I used to work off of 5 hours average, but even 10 doesn't seem to be enough lately. Thanks to my loving friends, I finally ended up going to the health center today. They took my blood and I'll probably find out the results tomorrow. It shouldn't be anything terrible, I'm not particularly worried. It's just a little scary. I'm trying to take care of myself, and it's scary. Sometimes I don't really like being an adult. It means that, ultimately, if you have problems, you need to take care of them yourself. I know that doesn't mean that I need to do everything on my own (God has been teaching me otherwise), but, in the end, you are responsible for yourself. I'm glad God has control. I can't handle my own life.
This blog isn't making a whole lot of sense. I really just need to either get going doing something or take a nap. Mmmm, a nap sounds beautiful. Or coffee. Starbucks, Forza, anything but school coffee would be fantastic. But I'll make it. Two more hours and I can go back to my room and maybe take a nap. :)
In other news, my life has kind of been interrupted as of late. I got a phone call last Friday saying that Claire, the mom of the family I lived with back in my senior year of high school, was in the hospital. I've spent the majority of my free time there with Jason, either trying to visit her or praying in the chapel. Claire is now awake and seeming to be pretty aware of everything and everyone. She's doing really great compared to when I first got the phone call. Praise God! I'll be spending more time at the hospital sometime this week. I have to admit, it's been hard. It's been physically, spiritually, emotionally draining. But God has been giving me strength, and He's been listening to my prayers and working things out. He also gave me a wonderful boyfriend and great friends to support me. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done this past weekend without Jason. I know God would have taken care of me, but I am so grateful that He gave me Jason to help me through everything. He is so good (both God and Jason ;) ).
I'm tired. As usual. I got around 7 hours of sleep last night. I used to work off of 5 hours average, but even 10 doesn't seem to be enough lately. Thanks to my loving friends, I finally ended up going to the health center today. They took my blood and I'll probably find out the results tomorrow. It shouldn't be anything terrible, I'm not particularly worried. It's just a little scary. I'm trying to take care of myself, and it's scary. Sometimes I don't really like being an adult. It means that, ultimately, if you have problems, you need to take care of them yourself. I know that doesn't mean that I need to do everything on my own (God has been teaching me otherwise), but, in the end, you are responsible for yourself. I'm glad God has control. I can't handle my own life.
This blog isn't making a whole lot of sense. I really just need to either get going doing something or take a nap. Mmmm, a nap sounds beautiful. Or coffee. Starbucks, Forza, anything but school coffee would be fantastic. But I'll make it. Two more hours and I can go back to my room and maybe take a nap. :)
In other news, my life has kind of been interrupted as of late. I got a phone call last Friday saying that Claire, the mom of the family I lived with back in my senior year of high school, was in the hospital. I've spent the majority of my free time there with Jason, either trying to visit her or praying in the chapel. Claire is now awake and seeming to be pretty aware of everything and everyone. She's doing really great compared to when I first got the phone call. Praise God! I'll be spending more time at the hospital sometime this week. I have to admit, it's been hard. It's been physically, spiritually, emotionally draining. But God has been giving me strength, and He's been listening to my prayers and working things out. He also gave me a wonderful boyfriend and great friends to support me. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done this past weekend without Jason. I know God would have taken care of me, but I am so grateful that He gave me Jason to help me through everything. He is so good (both God and Jason ;) ).
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Fear and Stupid Prayers
I really don't have much to say. I'm more procrastinating than anything.
I am really excited for this semester. The Lord is going to do so much, and I'm astounded that I get to play a role in it.
On the other hand, I'm really scared for this semester. I'm taking a couple of, well, difficult classes. No necessarily difficult in the area of work, but difficult for me spiritually. I know it's good, and God will totally teach me through this and be the strength I need to make it. But I must confess, I'm still scared.
God, forgive my fear. I need Your perfect love more than ever during this season. I want intimacy with You, in fact, I need it more than ever before. I can't go back to the way I was before. I choose to walk in love, in truth, in peace, in boldness. I choose to abide in You. I'll probably regret this stupid prayer later, but I don't care. Lord, break me. Take away everything that is of me and replace it with You. I need You. Thank You, Lord. I could never thank You enough. You are amazing, Lord.
I am really excited for this semester. The Lord is going to do so much, and I'm astounded that I get to play a role in it.
On the other hand, I'm really scared for this semester. I'm taking a couple of, well, difficult classes. No necessarily difficult in the area of work, but difficult for me spiritually. I know it's good, and God will totally teach me through this and be the strength I need to make it. But I must confess, I'm still scared.
God, forgive my fear. I need Your perfect love more than ever during this season. I want intimacy with You, in fact, I need it more than ever before. I can't go back to the way I was before. I choose to walk in love, in truth, in peace, in boldness. I choose to abide in You. I'll probably regret this stupid prayer later, but I don't care. Lord, break me. Take away everything that is of me and replace it with You. I need You. Thank You, Lord. I could never thank You enough. You are amazing, Lord.
Monday, February 2, 2009
My Beloved
"Listen! My Beloved!
Behold, He is coming,
Climbing on the mountains,
Leaping on the hills!
My Beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Behold, He is standing behind our wall,
He is looking through the windows,
He is peering through the lattice.
My Beloved responded and said to me,
'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,
And come along . . .'
My Beloved is mine, and I am His;
He pastures His flock among the lilies.
Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,
Turn, my Beloved, and be like the gazelle
Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether."
(Song of Solomon 2:8-10, 16-17)
For the past several weeks the Lord, my Beloved, has been calling me to the mountains, to the places that are hard to face. He's been calling me to follow Him outside of my comfort zone. Until last week, I had responded like the woman of Song of Solomon, praising my Beloved but telling Him to go on without me for now.
"On my bed night after night I sought Him
Whom my soul loves;
I sought Him but did not find Him.
'I must arise now and go about the city;
In the streets and in the squares
I must seek Him whom my soul loves.'
I sought Him but did not find Him.
The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me,
And I said, 'Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?'
Scarecely had I left them
When I found Him whom my soul loves;
I held on to Him and would not let Him go."
(Song of Solomon 3:1-4)
I was desperate without my Beloved. I felt horrible, I was burnt out, and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, I left my comfortable bed and went looking for Him. Although I didn't look in the right place at first, He did find me. He met me while I was searching for Him, and He spoke His love over me. He let me hold Him and not let go. I realized that running with Him over the mountaintops is much safer than sitting on my bed, longing for Him.
He spoke to me of my identity in Him, how He sees me. He told me how I've ravished His heart. He brought me to the place where I could truly say that I would let Him both bless me and give me the difficult assignments. (Song of Solomon 4:1-5:1)
That is the best explanation of the last few weeks that I can give. I'm not sure where God is leading me next, but I am willing to go to the mountains, and I am willing for both the North and the South winds to blow on my garden. If you haven't already, I highly suggest looking up Mike Bickle's Song of Solomon teaching (if you go on the i-tunes store, type "yearn faint cry," double-click on the podcast, then you can download for free the podcast "Song of Songs disc 4 Mike Bickle, it is worth the hour it takes to listen to it).
"Hurry, my Beloved,
And be like a gazelle or a young stag
On the mountains of spices."
(Song of Solomon 8:14)
Behold, He is coming,
Climbing on the mountains,
Leaping on the hills!
My Beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Behold, He is standing behind our wall,
He is looking through the windows,
He is peering through the lattice.
My Beloved responded and said to me,
'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,
And come along . . .'
My Beloved is mine, and I am His;
He pastures His flock among the lilies.
Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,
Turn, my Beloved, and be like the gazelle
Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether."
(Song of Solomon 2:8-10, 16-17)
For the past several weeks the Lord, my Beloved, has been calling me to the mountains, to the places that are hard to face. He's been calling me to follow Him outside of my comfort zone. Until last week, I had responded like the woman of Song of Solomon, praising my Beloved but telling Him to go on without me for now.
"On my bed night after night I sought Him
Whom my soul loves;
I sought Him but did not find Him.
'I must arise now and go about the city;
In the streets and in the squares
I must seek Him whom my soul loves.'
I sought Him but did not find Him.
The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me,
And I said, 'Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?'
Scarecely had I left them
When I found Him whom my soul loves;
I held on to Him and would not let Him go."
(Song of Solomon 3:1-4)
I was desperate without my Beloved. I felt horrible, I was burnt out, and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, I left my comfortable bed and went looking for Him. Although I didn't look in the right place at first, He did find me. He met me while I was searching for Him, and He spoke His love over me. He let me hold Him and not let go. I realized that running with Him over the mountaintops is much safer than sitting on my bed, longing for Him.
He spoke to me of my identity in Him, how He sees me. He told me how I've ravished His heart. He brought me to the place where I could truly say that I would let Him both bless me and give me the difficult assignments. (Song of Solomon 4:1-5:1)
That is the best explanation of the last few weeks that I can give. I'm not sure where God is leading me next, but I am willing to go to the mountains, and I am willing for both the North and the South winds to blow on my garden. If you haven't already, I highly suggest looking up Mike Bickle's Song of Solomon teaching (if you go on the i-tunes store, type "yearn faint cry," double-click on the podcast, then you can download for free the podcast "Song of Songs disc 4 Mike Bickle, it is worth the hour it takes to listen to it).
"Hurry, my Beloved,
And be like a gazelle or a young stag
On the mountains of spices."
(Song of Solomon 8:14)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The Valley of Achor
So far already come.
Yet so, so far to go.
I'm weary, Lord.
Weary of this sand,
I want to see the green.
You promised as you led me here
The desert dunes would live.
You weren't taking me away
From my comfort, easy home
If you didn't have Your plans
To make the valley sing.
I know this is a process,
Fountains take their time.
So I will sit and stay still
As you hold me until then.
Yet so, so far to go.
I'm weary, Lord.
Weary of this sand,
I want to see the green.
You promised as you led me here
The desert dunes would live.
You weren't taking me away
From my comfort, easy home
If you didn't have Your plans
To make the valley sing.
I know this is a process,
Fountains take their time.
So I will sit and stay still
As you hold me until then.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Random Thoughts While Procrastinating at Forza
Perhaps I should be saving this for a time when I'm experiencing more writer's block with my paper, but oh, well.
It's easy for me to look at my life and only see the problems. It's so easy to just see the things God is working on in me, and to see all the issues I still am trying to work through. There are so many faults, have I made any progress at all? There's so far to go! Yet in the past weekend God's been reminding me of how far He has taken me. I look back to a little over a year ago, and he see how depressed I was and how little I knew of God's love for me. I see that I had a relationship with God, but it wasn't really that intimate. I didn't share what I was feeling with anybody, and I never asked for help.
Looking back at where I was, I can see much more clearly how much more joy I have. I don't have nearly as much joy or emotion as I desire, but I've come a long, long ways. I know that God loves me, and although I don't always feel it or fully and completely believe it, I have more of a confidence in it than ever before. Even though I have a lot farther to go, more and more I'm finding myself falling more deeply in love with my Lord, my Lover. I can share my testimony now, and I'm learning to ask for help when I need it (which is quite often!). I'm learning to be weak, because I really don't have any strength on my own.
In other news, I am really loving my Biographical Writing class. I'm realizing how much I really do love writing, despite the times of frustration (like now when I'm trying to write a biographical essay and am not too thrilled about what's coming out). I know what my lit professors tell me, but I think that I might belong with writing. Just maybe.
I really like Venetian lattes at Forza.
Next time, if my computer chooses to work more nicely, I may post pictures.
It's easy for me to look at my life and only see the problems. It's so easy to just see the things God is working on in me, and to see all the issues I still am trying to work through. There are so many faults, have I made any progress at all? There's so far to go! Yet in the past weekend God's been reminding me of how far He has taken me. I look back to a little over a year ago, and he see how depressed I was and how little I knew of God's love for me. I see that I had a relationship with God, but it wasn't really that intimate. I didn't share what I was feeling with anybody, and I never asked for help.
Looking back at where I was, I can see much more clearly how much more joy I have. I don't have nearly as much joy or emotion as I desire, but I've come a long, long ways. I know that God loves me, and although I don't always feel it or fully and completely believe it, I have more of a confidence in it than ever before. Even though I have a lot farther to go, more and more I'm finding myself falling more deeply in love with my Lord, my Lover. I can share my testimony now, and I'm learning to ask for help when I need it (which is quite often!). I'm learning to be weak, because I really don't have any strength on my own.
In other news, I am really loving my Biographical Writing class. I'm realizing how much I really do love writing, despite the times of frustration (like now when I'm trying to write a biographical essay and am not too thrilled about what's coming out). I know what my lit professors tell me, but I think that I might belong with writing. Just maybe.
I really like Venetian lattes at Forza.
Next time, if my computer chooses to work more nicely, I may post pictures.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Warning: Prayer Is Dangerous!
I told God last August that I would give anything for the sake of His Kingdom. He started to question me, bringing up areas that I wasn't at all ready to give. I ended that night realizing that I still had a lot of idols in my life, some even good things. Yet I wanted to change, I wanted to be able to give these things up. Little did I know that God would, in fact, lead me to the place of surrender over and over again in the coming months. It hasn't been easy, in fact it's been downright painful at times. But the funny thing is that God has shown me that He is so much more desirable than all of those other lovers. Why would I worry about man when I have the Creator of the universe longing to spend time with me? Of course, I don't always remember this, and sometimes God has to be rather blunt in order to get my attention. Yet it's good.
Well, here I am. I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this who doesn't already know, but I'm going to say it just in case: I left Praise Covenant Church. I've been there/at Praise Community since I was 7, and now God has told me to leave. There's been a lot of prayer and counsel over this for a few months now, and I talked to Pastor Greg last week. I know that I made the right decision, even though it was hard.
Another dangerous prayer I prayed about a month ago. This time I told God that I didn't want to be comfortable. In other words, I want to be out of my comfort zone, because the life He has called me to live is outside of my comfort zone. He wants me to be willing to run with Him through the mountains, and I don't want to be watching from my safe, cozy house. So, not long after I prayed this, God told me that I needed to pray into what church I would be going to. The default answer I had given myself was PSCC, where most of my friends went and I felt at home. PSCC is an amazing church, and I love them dearly. But God told me no. He told me to go to New Song, a Saturday-night church that I really do love but am scared by half of the time. Scared in a good way, a "wow, this is outside of my comfort zone" way. Funny how that works, huh?
Lesson learned: be careful what you pray. It might just change your life. Yet God has the best plans for us, and praying His will is so worth it.
Well, here I am. I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this who doesn't already know, but I'm going to say it just in case: I left Praise Covenant Church. I've been there/at Praise Community since I was 7, and now God has told me to leave. There's been a lot of prayer and counsel over this for a few months now, and I talked to Pastor Greg last week. I know that I made the right decision, even though it was hard.
Another dangerous prayer I prayed about a month ago. This time I told God that I didn't want to be comfortable. In other words, I want to be out of my comfort zone, because the life He has called me to live is outside of my comfort zone. He wants me to be willing to run with Him through the mountains, and I don't want to be watching from my safe, cozy house. So, not long after I prayed this, God told me that I needed to pray into what church I would be going to. The default answer I had given myself was PSCC, where most of my friends went and I felt at home. PSCC is an amazing church, and I love them dearly. But God told me no. He told me to go to New Song, a Saturday-night church that I really do love but am scared by half of the time. Scared in a good way, a "wow, this is outside of my comfort zone" way. Funny how that works, huh?
Lesson learned: be careful what you pray. It might just change your life. Yet God has the best plans for us, and praying His will is so worth it.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Through the Desert and Back Again
Happy New Year! I know, it's about a week into it, but it's the thought that counts, right?
So for the last half of winter break I was lonely. I missed my friends of school, and except for a few bright moments with others, I really wanted to be with them. It didn't exactly help my mood when several of them were having amazing experiences with God at a conference that I had wanted to go to. I spent that week moping, complaining to myself and to the Lord (and to a few other poor people) about how lonely and bored I was. I was learning a lot from God, due to the large amounts of time I got to spend with Him and the books I was reading (The Shack and Rees Howells: Intercessor). I was being challenged in a lot of areas, and I knew God was stretching me. Yet I was miserable.
Then I went to New Song church that Saturday night, the weekend before classes started up again. Adam talked about the desert experience, touching on something I had heard from him a few weeks earlier and God had pointed out to me. He used the example of John the Baptist, who God led into the wilderness to prepare for ministry. The Lord took him away from the city, from the "normal" ways of doing church, from other people. He used that time to prepare John the Baptist for his ministry, when the Lord sent the people out to the desert to meet him and learn.
The reminder of this message was something like getting hit by a soccer ball you should have seen and dodged. I knew that I should have seen it all, but somehow I hadn't. That night we were led to make commitments to God to prepare for the revival that He is bringing. The Lord said to me, more or less, "You were in the lonely place, and you despised every minute of it. Now I'm going to lead you right back there, and you are going to learn to love it." He led me to commit to spend 8 hours alone with Him every Sunday. Now I learned after my first Sunday that it was not like God was thinking, "let's see how long you can stay awake and not get frostbite in Tower Chapel." It was more like, "Let's have an 8-hour date every Sunday. You won't be distracted by everyone around you, so I can spend some quality time with just you. I'm going to stretch you and grow you a lot through this, and you're not going to like it at times, and it's going to be exhausting if you do it with your flesh. But it's good."
So this period of time is very challenging, in many ways. It's not always fun, but it's exciting. He's not a safe Lion, but He's good.
So for the last half of winter break I was lonely. I missed my friends of school, and except for a few bright moments with others, I really wanted to be with them. It didn't exactly help my mood when several of them were having amazing experiences with God at a conference that I had wanted to go to. I spent that week moping, complaining to myself and to the Lord (and to a few other poor people) about how lonely and bored I was. I was learning a lot from God, due to the large amounts of time I got to spend with Him and the books I was reading (The Shack and Rees Howells: Intercessor). I was being challenged in a lot of areas, and I knew God was stretching me. Yet I was miserable.
Then I went to New Song church that Saturday night, the weekend before classes started up again. Adam talked about the desert experience, touching on something I had heard from him a few weeks earlier and God had pointed out to me. He used the example of John the Baptist, who God led into the wilderness to prepare for ministry. The Lord took him away from the city, from the "normal" ways of doing church, from other people. He used that time to prepare John the Baptist for his ministry, when the Lord sent the people out to the desert to meet him and learn.
The reminder of this message was something like getting hit by a soccer ball you should have seen and dodged. I knew that I should have seen it all, but somehow I hadn't. That night we were led to make commitments to God to prepare for the revival that He is bringing. The Lord said to me, more or less, "You were in the lonely place, and you despised every minute of it. Now I'm going to lead you right back there, and you are going to learn to love it." He led me to commit to spend 8 hours alone with Him every Sunday. Now I learned after my first Sunday that it was not like God was thinking, "let's see how long you can stay awake and not get frostbite in Tower Chapel." It was more like, "Let's have an 8-hour date every Sunday. You won't be distracted by everyone around you, so I can spend some quality time with just you. I'm going to stretch you and grow you a lot through this, and you're not going to like it at times, and it's going to be exhausting if you do it with your flesh. But it's good."
So this period of time is very challenging, in many ways. It's not always fun, but it's exciting. He's not a safe Lion, but He's good.
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