Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Fear and Stupid Prayers

I really don't have much to say. I'm more procrastinating than anything.
I am really excited for this semester. The Lord is going to do so much, and I'm astounded that I get to play a role in it.
On the other hand, I'm really scared for this semester. I'm taking a couple of, well, difficult classes. No necessarily difficult in the area of work, but difficult for me spiritually. I know it's good, and God will totally teach me through this and be the strength I need to make it. But I must confess, I'm still scared.
God, forgive my fear. I need Your perfect love more than ever during this season. I want intimacy with You, in fact, I need it more than ever before. I can't go back to the way I was before. I choose to walk in love, in truth, in peace, in boldness. I choose to abide in You. I'll probably regret this stupid prayer later, but I don't care. Lord, break me. Take away everything that is of me and replace it with You. I need You. Thank You, Lord. I could never thank You enough. You are amazing, Lord.

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Beloved

"Listen! My Beloved!
Behold, He is coming,
Climbing on the mountains,
Leaping on the hills!
My Beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Behold, He is standing behind our wall,
He is looking through the windows,
He is peering through the lattice.
My Beloved responded and said to me,
'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,
And come along . . .'
My Beloved is mine, and I am His;
He pastures His flock among the lilies.
Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,
Turn, my Beloved, and be like the gazelle
Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether."
(Song of Solomon 2:8-10, 16-17)

For the past several weeks the Lord, my Beloved, has been calling me to the mountains, to the places that are hard to face. He's been calling me to follow Him outside of my comfort zone. Until last week, I had responded like the woman of Song of Solomon, praising my Beloved but telling Him to go on without me for now.

"On my bed night after night I sought Him
Whom my soul loves;
I sought Him but did not find Him.
'I must arise now and go about the city;
In the streets and in the squares
I must seek Him whom my soul loves.'
I sought Him but did not find Him.
The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me,
And I said, 'Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?'
Scarecely had I left them
When I found Him whom my soul loves;
I held on to Him and would not let Him go."
(Song of Solomon 3:1-4)

I was desperate without my Beloved. I felt horrible, I was burnt out, and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, I left my comfortable bed and went looking for Him. Although I didn't look in the right place at first, He did find me. He met me while I was searching for Him, and He spoke His love over me. He let me hold Him and not let go. I realized that running with Him over the mountaintops is much safer than sitting on my bed, longing for Him.
He spoke to me of my identity in Him, how He sees me. He told me how I've ravished His heart. He brought me to the place where I could truly say that I would let Him both bless me and give me the difficult assignments. (Song of Solomon 4:1-5:1)

That is the best explanation of the last few weeks that I can give. I'm not sure where God is leading me next, but I am willing to go to the mountains, and I am willing for both the North and the South winds to blow on my garden. If you haven't already, I highly suggest looking up Mike Bickle's Song of Solomon teaching (if you go on the i-tunes store, type "yearn faint cry," double-click on the podcast, then you can download for free the podcast "Song of Songs disc 4 Mike Bickle, it is worth the hour it takes to listen to it).

"Hurry, my Beloved,
And be like a gazelle or a young stag
On the mountains of spices."
(Song of Solomon 8:14)