So far already come.
Yet so, so far to go.
I'm weary, Lord.
Weary of this sand,
I want to see the green.
You promised as you led me here
The desert dunes would live.
You weren't taking me away
From my comfort, easy home
If you didn't have Your plans
To make the valley sing.
I know this is a process,
Fountains take their time.
So I will sit and stay still
As you hold me until then.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Random Thoughts While Procrastinating at Forza
Perhaps I should be saving this for a time when I'm experiencing more writer's block with my paper, but oh, well.
It's easy for me to look at my life and only see the problems. It's so easy to just see the things God is working on in me, and to see all the issues I still am trying to work through. There are so many faults, have I made any progress at all? There's so far to go! Yet in the past weekend God's been reminding me of how far He has taken me. I look back to a little over a year ago, and he see how depressed I was and how little I knew of God's love for me. I see that I had a relationship with God, but it wasn't really that intimate. I didn't share what I was feeling with anybody, and I never asked for help.
Looking back at where I was, I can see much more clearly how much more joy I have. I don't have nearly as much joy or emotion as I desire, but I've come a long, long ways. I know that God loves me, and although I don't always feel it or fully and completely believe it, I have more of a confidence in it than ever before. Even though I have a lot farther to go, more and more I'm finding myself falling more deeply in love with my Lord, my Lover. I can share my testimony now, and I'm learning to ask for help when I need it (which is quite often!). I'm learning to be weak, because I really don't have any strength on my own.
In other news, I am really loving my Biographical Writing class. I'm realizing how much I really do love writing, despite the times of frustration (like now when I'm trying to write a biographical essay and am not too thrilled about what's coming out). I know what my lit professors tell me, but I think that I might belong with writing. Just maybe.
I really like Venetian lattes at Forza.
Next time, if my computer chooses to work more nicely, I may post pictures.
It's easy for me to look at my life and only see the problems. It's so easy to just see the things God is working on in me, and to see all the issues I still am trying to work through. There are so many faults, have I made any progress at all? There's so far to go! Yet in the past weekend God's been reminding me of how far He has taken me. I look back to a little over a year ago, and he see how depressed I was and how little I knew of God's love for me. I see that I had a relationship with God, but it wasn't really that intimate. I didn't share what I was feeling with anybody, and I never asked for help.
Looking back at where I was, I can see much more clearly how much more joy I have. I don't have nearly as much joy or emotion as I desire, but I've come a long, long ways. I know that God loves me, and although I don't always feel it or fully and completely believe it, I have more of a confidence in it than ever before. Even though I have a lot farther to go, more and more I'm finding myself falling more deeply in love with my Lord, my Lover. I can share my testimony now, and I'm learning to ask for help when I need it (which is quite often!). I'm learning to be weak, because I really don't have any strength on my own.
In other news, I am really loving my Biographical Writing class. I'm realizing how much I really do love writing, despite the times of frustration (like now when I'm trying to write a biographical essay and am not too thrilled about what's coming out). I know what my lit professors tell me, but I think that I might belong with writing. Just maybe.
I really like Venetian lattes at Forza.
Next time, if my computer chooses to work more nicely, I may post pictures.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Warning: Prayer Is Dangerous!
I told God last August that I would give anything for the sake of His Kingdom. He started to question me, bringing up areas that I wasn't at all ready to give. I ended that night realizing that I still had a lot of idols in my life, some even good things. Yet I wanted to change, I wanted to be able to give these things up. Little did I know that God would, in fact, lead me to the place of surrender over and over again in the coming months. It hasn't been easy, in fact it's been downright painful at times. But the funny thing is that God has shown me that He is so much more desirable than all of those other lovers. Why would I worry about man when I have the Creator of the universe longing to spend time with me? Of course, I don't always remember this, and sometimes God has to be rather blunt in order to get my attention. Yet it's good.
Well, here I am. I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this who doesn't already know, but I'm going to say it just in case: I left Praise Covenant Church. I've been there/at Praise Community since I was 7, and now God has told me to leave. There's been a lot of prayer and counsel over this for a few months now, and I talked to Pastor Greg last week. I know that I made the right decision, even though it was hard.
Another dangerous prayer I prayed about a month ago. This time I told God that I didn't want to be comfortable. In other words, I want to be out of my comfort zone, because the life He has called me to live is outside of my comfort zone. He wants me to be willing to run with Him through the mountains, and I don't want to be watching from my safe, cozy house. So, not long after I prayed this, God told me that I needed to pray into what church I would be going to. The default answer I had given myself was PSCC, where most of my friends went and I felt at home. PSCC is an amazing church, and I love them dearly. But God told me no. He told me to go to New Song, a Saturday-night church that I really do love but am scared by half of the time. Scared in a good way, a "wow, this is outside of my comfort zone" way. Funny how that works, huh?
Lesson learned: be careful what you pray. It might just change your life. Yet God has the best plans for us, and praying His will is so worth it.
Well, here I am. I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this who doesn't already know, but I'm going to say it just in case: I left Praise Covenant Church. I've been there/at Praise Community since I was 7, and now God has told me to leave. There's been a lot of prayer and counsel over this for a few months now, and I talked to Pastor Greg last week. I know that I made the right decision, even though it was hard.
Another dangerous prayer I prayed about a month ago. This time I told God that I didn't want to be comfortable. In other words, I want to be out of my comfort zone, because the life He has called me to live is outside of my comfort zone. He wants me to be willing to run with Him through the mountains, and I don't want to be watching from my safe, cozy house. So, not long after I prayed this, God told me that I needed to pray into what church I would be going to. The default answer I had given myself was PSCC, where most of my friends went and I felt at home. PSCC is an amazing church, and I love them dearly. But God told me no. He told me to go to New Song, a Saturday-night church that I really do love but am scared by half of the time. Scared in a good way, a "wow, this is outside of my comfort zone" way. Funny how that works, huh?
Lesson learned: be careful what you pray. It might just change your life. Yet God has the best plans for us, and praying His will is so worth it.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Through the Desert and Back Again
Happy New Year! I know, it's about a week into it, but it's the thought that counts, right?
So for the last half of winter break I was lonely. I missed my friends of school, and except for a few bright moments with others, I really wanted to be with them. It didn't exactly help my mood when several of them were having amazing experiences with God at a conference that I had wanted to go to. I spent that week moping, complaining to myself and to the Lord (and to a few other poor people) about how lonely and bored I was. I was learning a lot from God, due to the large amounts of time I got to spend with Him and the books I was reading (The Shack and Rees Howells: Intercessor). I was being challenged in a lot of areas, and I knew God was stretching me. Yet I was miserable.
Then I went to New Song church that Saturday night, the weekend before classes started up again. Adam talked about the desert experience, touching on something I had heard from him a few weeks earlier and God had pointed out to me. He used the example of John the Baptist, who God led into the wilderness to prepare for ministry. The Lord took him away from the city, from the "normal" ways of doing church, from other people. He used that time to prepare John the Baptist for his ministry, when the Lord sent the people out to the desert to meet him and learn.
The reminder of this message was something like getting hit by a soccer ball you should have seen and dodged. I knew that I should have seen it all, but somehow I hadn't. That night we were led to make commitments to God to prepare for the revival that He is bringing. The Lord said to me, more or less, "You were in the lonely place, and you despised every minute of it. Now I'm going to lead you right back there, and you are going to learn to love it." He led me to commit to spend 8 hours alone with Him every Sunday. Now I learned after my first Sunday that it was not like God was thinking, "let's see how long you can stay awake and not get frostbite in Tower Chapel." It was more like, "Let's have an 8-hour date every Sunday. You won't be distracted by everyone around you, so I can spend some quality time with just you. I'm going to stretch you and grow you a lot through this, and you're not going to like it at times, and it's going to be exhausting if you do it with your flesh. But it's good."
So this period of time is very challenging, in many ways. It's not always fun, but it's exciting. He's not a safe Lion, but He's good.
So for the last half of winter break I was lonely. I missed my friends of school, and except for a few bright moments with others, I really wanted to be with them. It didn't exactly help my mood when several of them were having amazing experiences with God at a conference that I had wanted to go to. I spent that week moping, complaining to myself and to the Lord (and to a few other poor people) about how lonely and bored I was. I was learning a lot from God, due to the large amounts of time I got to spend with Him and the books I was reading (The Shack and Rees Howells: Intercessor). I was being challenged in a lot of areas, and I knew God was stretching me. Yet I was miserable.
Then I went to New Song church that Saturday night, the weekend before classes started up again. Adam talked about the desert experience, touching on something I had heard from him a few weeks earlier and God had pointed out to me. He used the example of John the Baptist, who God led into the wilderness to prepare for ministry. The Lord took him away from the city, from the "normal" ways of doing church, from other people. He used that time to prepare John the Baptist for his ministry, when the Lord sent the people out to the desert to meet him and learn.
The reminder of this message was something like getting hit by a soccer ball you should have seen and dodged. I knew that I should have seen it all, but somehow I hadn't. That night we were led to make commitments to God to prepare for the revival that He is bringing. The Lord said to me, more or less, "You were in the lonely place, and you despised every minute of it. Now I'm going to lead you right back there, and you are going to learn to love it." He led me to commit to spend 8 hours alone with Him every Sunday. Now I learned after my first Sunday that it was not like God was thinking, "let's see how long you can stay awake and not get frostbite in Tower Chapel." It was more like, "Let's have an 8-hour date every Sunday. You won't be distracted by everyone around you, so I can spend some quality time with just you. I'm going to stretch you and grow you a lot through this, and you're not going to like it at times, and it's going to be exhausting if you do it with your flesh. But it's good."
So this period of time is very challenging, in many ways. It's not always fun, but it's exciting. He's not a safe Lion, but He's good.
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