Coffee, Naps, and Hospitals

So I don't really feel like thinking hard enough to finish the Latin quiz I'm writing. What do I do instead? Write a blog!
I'm tired. As usual. I got around 7 hours of sleep last night. I used to work off of 5 hours average, but even 10 doesn't seem to be enough lately. Thanks to my loving friends, I finally ended up going to the health center today. They took my blood and I'll probably find out the results tomorrow. It shouldn't be anything terrible, I'm not particularly worried. It's just a little scary. I'm trying to take care of myself, and it's scary. Sometimes I don't really like being an adult. It means that, ultimately, if you have problems, you need to take care of them yourself. I know that doesn't mean that I need to do everything on my own (God has been teaching me otherwise), but, in the end, you are responsible for yourself. I'm glad God has control. I can't handle my own life.
This blog isn't making a whole lot of sense. I really just need to either get going doing something or take a nap. Mmmm, a nap sounds beautiful. Or coffee. Starbucks, Forza, anything but school coffee would be fantastic. But I'll make it. Two more hours and I can go back to my room and maybe take a nap. :)
In other news, my life has kind of been interrupted as of late. I got a phone call last Friday saying that Claire, the mom of the family I lived with back in my senior year of high school, was in the hospital. I've spent the majority of my free time there with Jason, either trying to visit her or praying in the chapel. Claire is now awake and seeming to be pretty aware of everything and everyone. She's doing really great compared to when I first got the phone call. Praise God! I'll be spending more time at the hospital sometime this week. I have to admit, it's been hard. It's been physically, spiritually, emotionally draining. But God has been giving me strength, and He's been listening to my prayers and working things out. He also gave me a wonderful boyfriend and great friends to support me. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done this past weekend without Jason. I know God would have taken care of me, but I am so grateful that He gave me Jason to help me through everything. He is so good (both God and Jason ;) ).

Fear and Stupid Prayers

I really don't have much to say. I'm more procrastinating than anything.
I am really excited for this semester. The Lord is going to do so much, and I'm astounded that I get to play a role in it.
On the other hand, I'm really scared for this semester. I'm taking a couple of, well, difficult classes. No necessarily difficult in the area of work, but difficult for me spiritually. I know it's good, and God will totally teach me through this and be the strength I need to make it. But I must confess, I'm still scared.
God, forgive my fear. I need Your perfect love more than ever during this season. I want intimacy with You, in fact, I need it more than ever before. I can't go back to the way I was before. I choose to walk in love, in truth, in peace, in boldness. I choose to abide in You. I'll probably regret this stupid prayer later, but I don't care. Lord, break me. Take away everything that is of me and replace it with You. I need You. Thank You, Lord. I could never thank You enough. You are amazing, Lord.

My Beloved

"Listen! My Beloved!
Behold, He is coming,
Climbing on the mountains,
Leaping on the hills!
My Beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Behold, He is standing behind our wall,
He is looking through the windows,
He is peering through the lattice.
My Beloved responded and said to me,
'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,
And come along . . .'
My Beloved is mine, and I am His;
He pastures His flock among the lilies.
Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,
Turn, my Beloved, and be like the gazelle
Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether."
(Song of Solomon 2:8-10, 16-17)

For the past several weeks the Lord, my Beloved, has been calling me to the mountains, to the places that are hard to face. He's been calling me to follow Him outside of my comfort zone. Until last week, I had responded like the woman of Song of Solomon, praising my Beloved but telling Him to go on without me for now.

"On my bed night after night I sought Him
Whom my soul loves;
I sought Him but did not find Him.
'I must arise now and go about the city;
In the streets and in the squares
I must seek Him whom my soul loves.'
I sought Him but did not find Him.
The watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me,
And I said, 'Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?'
Scarecely had I left them
When I found Him whom my soul loves;
I held on to Him and would not let Him go."
(Song of Solomon 3:1-4)

I was desperate without my Beloved. I felt horrible, I was burnt out, and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, I left my comfortable bed and went looking for Him. Although I didn't look in the right place at first, He did find me. He met me while I was searching for Him, and He spoke His love over me. He let me hold Him and not let go. I realized that running with Him over the mountaintops is much safer than sitting on my bed, longing for Him.
He spoke to me of my identity in Him, how He sees me. He told me how I've ravished His heart. He brought me to the place where I could truly say that I would let Him both bless me and give me the difficult assignments. (Song of Solomon 4:1-5:1)

That is the best explanation of the last few weeks that I can give. I'm not sure where God is leading me next, but I am willing to go to the mountains, and I am willing for both the North and the South winds to blow on my garden. If you haven't already, I highly suggest looking up Mike Bickle's Song of Solomon teaching (if you go on the i-tunes store, type "yearn faint cry," double-click on the podcast, then you can download for free the podcast "Song of Songs disc 4 Mike Bickle, it is worth the hour it takes to listen to it).

"Hurry, my Beloved,
And be like a gazelle or a young stag
On the mountains of spices."
(Song of Solomon 8:14)

The Valley of Achor

So far already come.
Yet so, so far to go.
I'm weary, Lord.
Weary of this sand,
I want to see the green.
You promised as you led me here
The desert dunes would live.
You weren't taking me away
From my comfort, easy home
If you didn't have Your plans
To make the valley sing.
I know this is a process,
Fountains take their time.
So I will sit and stay still
As you hold me until then.

Random Thoughts While Procrastinating at Forza

Perhaps I should be saving this for a time when I'm experiencing more writer's block with my paper, but oh, well.
It's easy for me to look at my life and only see the problems. It's so easy to just see the things God is working on in me, and to see all the issues I still am trying to work through. There are so many faults, have I made any progress at all? There's so far to go! Yet in the past weekend God's been reminding me of how far He has taken me. I look back to a little over a year ago, and he see how depressed I was and how little I knew of God's love for me. I see that I had a relationship with God, but it wasn't really that intimate. I didn't share what I was feeling with anybody, and I never asked for help.
Looking back at where I was, I can see much more clearly how much more joy I have. I don't have nearly as much joy or emotion as I desire, but I've come a long, long ways. I know that God loves me, and although I don't always feel it or fully and completely believe it, I have more of a confidence in it than ever before. Even though I have a lot farther to go, more and more I'm finding myself falling more deeply in love with my Lord, my Lover. I can share my testimony now, and I'm learning to ask for help when I need it (which is quite often!). I'm learning to be weak, because I really don't have any strength on my own.
In other news, I am really loving my Biographical Writing class. I'm realizing how much I really do love writing, despite the times of frustration (like now when I'm trying to write a biographical essay and am not too thrilled about what's coming out). I know what my lit professors tell me, but I think that I might belong with writing. Just maybe.
I really like Venetian lattes at Forza.
Next time, if my computer chooses to work more nicely, I may post pictures.

Warning: Prayer Is Dangerous!

I told God last August that I would give anything for the sake of His Kingdom. He started to question me, bringing up areas that I wasn't at all ready to give. I ended that night realizing that I still had a lot of idols in my life, some even good things. Yet I wanted to change, I wanted to be able to give these things up. Little did I know that God would, in fact, lead me to the place of surrender over and over again in the coming months. It hasn't been easy, in fact it's been downright painful at times. But the funny thing is that God has shown me that He is so much more desirable than all of those other lovers. Why would I worry about man when I have the Creator of the universe longing to spend time with me? Of course, I don't always remember this, and sometimes God has to be rather blunt in order to get my attention. Yet it's good.
Well, here I am. I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this who doesn't already know, but I'm going to say it just in case: I left Praise Covenant Church. I've been there/at Praise Community since I was 7, and now God has told me to leave. There's been a lot of prayer and counsel over this for a few months now, and I talked to Pastor Greg last week. I know that I made the right decision, even though it was hard.
Another dangerous prayer I prayed about a month ago. This time I told God that I didn't want to be comfortable. In other words, I want to be out of my comfort zone, because the life He has called me to live is outside of my comfort zone. He wants me to be willing to run with Him through the mountains, and I don't want to be watching from my safe, cozy house. So, not long after I prayed this, God told me that I needed to pray into what church I would be going to. The default answer I had given myself was PSCC, where most of my friends went and I felt at home. PSCC is an amazing church, and I love them dearly. But God told me no. He told me to go to New Song, a Saturday-night church that I really do love but am scared by half of the time. Scared in a good way, a "wow, this is outside of my comfort zone" way. Funny how that works, huh?
Lesson learned: be careful what you pray. It might just change your life. Yet God has the best plans for us, and praying His will is so worth it.

Through the Desert and Back Again

Happy New Year! I know, it's about a week into it, but it's the thought that counts, right?
So for the last half of winter break I was lonely. I missed my friends of school, and except for a few bright moments with others, I really wanted to be with them. It didn't exactly help my mood when several of them were having amazing experiences with God at a conference that I had wanted to go to. I spent that week moping, complaining to myself and to the Lord (and to a few other poor people) about how lonely and bored I was. I was learning a lot from God, due to the large amounts of time I got to spend with Him and the books I was reading (The Shack and Rees Howells: Intercessor). I was being challenged in a lot of areas, and I knew God was stretching me. Yet I was miserable.
Then I went to New Song church that Saturday night, the weekend before classes started up again. Adam talked about the desert experience, touching on something I had heard from him a few weeks earlier and God had pointed out to me. He used the example of John the Baptist, who God led into the wilderness to prepare for ministry. The Lord took him away from the city, from the "normal" ways of doing church, from other people. He used that time to prepare John the Baptist for his ministry, when the Lord sent the people out to the desert to meet him and learn.
The reminder of this message was something like getting hit by a soccer ball you should have seen and dodged. I knew that I should have seen it all, but somehow I hadn't. That night we were led to make commitments to God to prepare for the revival that He is bringing. The Lord said to me, more or less, "You were in the lonely place, and you despised every minute of it. Now I'm going to lead you right back there, and you are going to learn to love it." He led me to commit to spend 8 hours alone with Him every Sunday. Now I learned after my first Sunday that it was not like God was thinking, "let's see how long you can stay awake and not get frostbite in Tower Chapel." It was more like, "Let's have an 8-hour date every Sunday. You won't be distracted by everyone around you, so I can spend some quality time with just you. I'm going to stretch you and grow you a lot through this, and you're not going to like it at times, and it's going to be exhausting if you do it with your flesh. But it's good."
So this period of time is very challenging, in many ways. It's not always fun, but it's exciting. He's not a safe Lion, but He's good.